Tales From A Broad by Fran Lebowitz

Author:Fran Lebowitz
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9789814358453
Publisher: Monsoon Books Pte. Ltd.

Jenny lives in Bayshore. It’s a lot like Fortune Gardens except the apartments are bigger and they have two restaurants. Instead of being numbered, their blocks are named after gems. The precious ones – Ruby, Emerald and Diamond – are taller and face the sea. Opal, Jade and poor little Quartzite have a view of their superior crystals. I met Jenny through Tilda. She has three kids. The older two, Trent and Neil, are Sadie’s and Huxley’s ages.

I get there before Frank and the kids, but others are there. I stand dripping in the vestibule. I don’t have my clean clothes to change into but Jenny brings me a towel and a glass of water.

‘Fran, Fortune Gardens is just two blocks away. Why didn’t you go home first?’ Jenny asks quite reasonably.

I know I’m being set up here. I will say, ‘Believe it or not, finishing at a different door makes running here just a tad less monotonous.’ And the British will say, ‘Bloody stupid to run in this heat; you wouldn’t catch me doing that.’ And the Americans will say, ‘You are so disciplined. I wish I could find the time.’ The Australians will say, ‘You call that a run, mate? Back in Sydney I ran 40 kilometres in under two hours.’ The Germans will say, ‘Vatz de difrence. You get olt; you die.’ The Canadians will say, ‘ ’.

As I towel off, I see lots of kids, hands in chip bowls, drink boxes dented and overturned on tables and chairs, moms reaching for toys, pouring out juice and picking up muffin parts and unclenching fists for more muffin parts.

‘Jenny, where’s Steven?’ I ask.

‘Working.’

‘Sudden emergency?’

‘No, just the usual.’

I’m puzzled. I turn to Tilda. ‘Hugh here?’

‘He’s watching the soccer at Muddy Murphy’s. It doesn’t start until three but last time Everton beat Manchester, Hugh was at Muddy Murphy’s three hours early.’

‘I’m not following you,’ I say.

‘When he watched Everton lose to Manchester, he was at Father Flanagan’s.’

‘Okay … still not there yet.’

‘What’s not to get? Everton won because Hugh was at Muddy Murphy’s and they lost because he was at Father Flanagan’s instead. So now he has to go to Muddy Murphy’s wearing his green tie and have three rum and Cokes and three beers three hours before the game if he wants them to beat Manchester. I’m not going over this again with you, Fran, either you understand or you’re daft.’

‘Where’s Collin?’ I ask Dana, afraid to show Tilda my confusion.

‘With Hugh.’

‘But I thought Collin roots for a different team?’

‘Not the point,’ Tilda pipes in. ‘Collin was with him at Muddy Murphy’s when Everton beat Manchester so he has to come.’

‘So, are any men coming?’

‘Oh, I highly doubt it. Jenny, it’s just tea for mums and kids, right?’

On cue, Frank walks in and hands me my bag of clean clothes, takes the kids’ shoes off and asks where he should stash his 12 cans of VB.

He opens one, Jenny’s maid appears and takes the rest of the beer into the kitchen.

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